"Words reveal your beliefs and intentions. Actions reveal your character. When they are in alignment they reveal your greatest life." - Steve Maraboli
In a Christian song that I sing regularly, some of the lyrics say, “You can have it all Lord, Every part of my world.” It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I have been singing that but my life has been saying, “You can help me only in certain situations and I will keep the other stuff to myself Lord.” Even if Christianity is not your religion of choice, how many times have you said something but later realized your actions didn’t really align with your statement?
This past year has been a tough season in my life. It is not my first tough season but it is one of the tougher seasons and I have just been asking what is the lesson in all of this? At first, I was content with my thoughts that I just needed to give up some of my control and learn how to trust God and other people in my life more. I have always worked my life somewhat like I was an island. I am nice and like to be around people but put up barriers around the most intimate workings of my life. If something needs to be done, I rather just do it myself. If I am going to sink, it’s going to be because of myself, not because of someone else’s misguiding. As I mature, I have learned that anything worth doing well can’t/shouldn't be done alone. Many times, we value independence too much in our society when the reality is interdependence is the key. There is a difference between doing it all alone, being needy and being connected with and supporting each other’s success. Great lesson, right?
Well, I realized as this tough season progressed that maybe interdependence wasn’t the only lesson. Back to trust. When you truly trust a higher power, God in my case, you need to be willing to release all of your worries and fears to that higher power. I realized I was singing and praying “you can have it all Lord” but was really saying in my heart “you can only have this little bit right here, Lord”, “I don’t know yet if I can trust you with everything,” or “you don’t want to deal with my mess, I will just handle it.” My thoughts and actions have not been aligning with my beliefs.
This misalignment can be found in areas in my life outside of religion as well. I want to have a successful business, yet I struggle with dedicating consistent time and action to do it. I want to have deep and meaningful friendships, yet I again struggle with dedicating time to talk with and visit with my friends. I say I value so many things but I have had some mental roadblocks that have hindered me from truly aligning my actions and thoughts to those values. Is it fear? Is it my need to please that is making it hard for me to stick to a schedule or even make a schedule? Is it just a trust issue?
From my recent reflection time, I believe it is all rooted in a lingering thought of me not being good enough. I am always trying to prove myself, even when I think I’m not. This chip in my self-confidence can cause mistrust, because how can I trust others when I struggle to trust myself?
Today I start to take intentional steps to addressing my self-confidence by listening to affirmations daily, read/listening to personal growth books daily, and practicing in daily self-care. I will create a schedule and stick to. I will create a regular self check in inventory, so I can be more proactive during times of high anxiety and stress. Learning more about being a "2 "on the enneagram has also become my friend in being more aware of my healthy and unhealthy states. I will allow trusted people hold me accountable. I will no longer be a hypocrite to myself. Here’s to true alignment, self-confidence, and self-care!